I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have fence marks all over my body
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