sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
