You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
