If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
