You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
