How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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