It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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