Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
