I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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