I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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