best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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