I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
