First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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