The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
