I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
So. Much. Porn.
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