Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
