Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
