mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
