If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
