he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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