they need to just BURY HIM!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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