Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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