I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize