Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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