I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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