I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
