I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and she was petting her beer can
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
