I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
