I wish I could teleport
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Every concussion has its silver lining
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
