We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
