My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
