T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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