He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize