So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
