its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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