next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
