I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
