There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
