Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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