Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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