Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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