From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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