oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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