I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
