They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize