my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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