Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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