I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
