My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
