Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
