ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
