i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
operation harelip BJ is a go
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
