Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
