I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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