Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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