i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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